100 Words on Inevitable Sequel Announcements

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt 3

It’s not like Bill Condon was ever really justified in splitting Stephenie Meyer’s concluding book into two parts, but hey, mo’ money, no problems. In light of this, there’s no way they’ll want to put down this cash cow when they can still milk its swollen udder. Enter part 3, the last 10 pages of Breaking Dawn elongated into two gruelling hours of reaction shots and pretty people starring at each other. The only way to prevent this from happening is if Meyer writes another Twilight book, which seems entirely plausible. I can’t even be bothered with a sparkle joke…

The Change-Up 2, starring Ryan Gosling

Ryan Reynolds is back for the largely not anticipated sequel to one of 2011’s least successful comedies. However, they’re taking this one in a totally different direction, replacing Jason Bateman with Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling (played by Ryan Reynolds) is a largely unknown actor who can’t seem to land Hollywood credibility. Ryan Reynolds (played by Ryan Gosling) is widely reknown as a leading man and oestrogen-magnetising sex symbol. However, the two actors swap bodies. Now, Gosling is landing breakthrough roles like Ides of March, Drive and Crazy, Stupid, Love while Reynolds is stuck with The Change-Up and The Green Lantern.

The Indiana Jones 3D quadrilogy, starting with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

When The Phantom Menace 3D scores an estimated gross of approximately $25.00, this inspires George Lucas to shove more of it in our face. “Hell, why stop at Star Wars?” he says, twirling his beard in glee. Hence, the entire Indiana Jones series will get the extra dimension treatment. But that’s not all. Instead of showing them chronologically, ol’ Georgie decides to release the films from best to most best (because there are no “worsts” in his back catalogue). Once that’s done, he then announces a 3D re-release of THX 1138 which, admittedly, would be pretty badass. I’m just sayin’…

The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence)

Tom Six won’t stop until he makes a film that is globally banned. In this three-quel, we’re introduced to Tim, a Nazi cannibal paedophile with 20 known and 7 unknown mental disorders. After watching the first two Human Centipede films, Tim is inspired. He visits the local kindergarten orphanage where he proceeds to [censored] all the [censored]and the [censored]he can see whilst mutilating his own [censored]and [censored]with a cheese grater. He then [censored]them together with a [censored]via [censored] and [censored] until they start to [censored] all over the floor. The film will be universally outlawed. No one gives a shit.

Saw: The Beginning

You really thought Saw 3D was The Final Chapter? No matter how much this series tortures itself, it won’t die, especially when there’s a prequel that hasn’t been made yet. Granted, you could collect all the damn flashbacks the franchise chiselled into itself into one incoherent tablet of a film. Just be sure to add four or five gruesome traps, daytime soap opera acting, a piss-poor reference to the first Saw film and an overly ridiculous ending twist. But, ya know, an actual quality storyline wouldn’t hurt, or some characters we actually give a shit about. That could work too.

Sucker Kick

Turns out there was another movie script festering in Zack Snyder high-school gym bag. Having not entirely destroyed his reputation with the laughably inept Sucker Punch, Snyder says “What they hey?” and makes the sequel to last year’s flop. Expecting the worst, critics are surprised at the depth of second instalment. Everything is given relevance: why a traumatise girl would mentally escape to a brothel, what the point of those “mental fantasy” sequences were, how the wise old man didn’t exist but sorta did. It gets nominated for 10 Oscars. It wins 7. It gets a standing ovation at Cannes.

Thanks Giving

So we’ve had Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve, two romantic candyfloss compilations devoid of any sense of reality, depicted through the optimistic lenses of a pre-hormonal 11-year-old girl who has no image of the world outside of her childish idealistic delusions (*breathes*). Suffice to say, I’m not a fan. Nevertheless, there are still holidays to exploit. While Love Actually (the UK film they pretty much ripped off (and is actually good)) covered Christmas, there’s still Thanks Giving. With a cast of stars willing to put dignity aside, this film follows numerous love-bound scenarios while avoiding anything Thanks Giving related.